Absenteee, that is meee

Gosh, I hate how M.I.A I have been.

I really miss blogging, commenting, and being an active part of this communtiy. 

I truly do plan to get back on the horse, but I am still settling into this program, and my new correspondance courses etc.

I especially want to thank you all for such wonderful comments and e-mails.

You are all so supportive, and have really helped me to feel good about my decision to stay in the program. It was also so wonderful to hear that some of you could relate to the situation of being in a day hospital program, or waiting to go into one. Its funny how we can convince ourselves we are so alone in this pursuit, when really there are so many of us on this difficult, yet worthwhile, journey to recovery.

The program is going really well right now. I am ending my third week in the program, even though it feels like it has been much less than that. It has actually gone by much faster than I expected. And while the food challenges I have done have been hard, I am so happy I have done them.

On Tuesday for example I had chicken fingers and sweet potato fries, alongside a tall glass of fresh squeezed orange juice from a diner downtown. I won’t lie, my heart was pounding out of my chest walking in there. I had this completely irrational feeling like my whole world was going to come crashing down around me. But I tried my best too ignore those thoughts and just made pleasant small talk with my fellow group members. What was also great was that me and 2 other girls in the program had decided to all order the same thing, and get each other through it. And it worked! We all finished our servings, and really enjoyed it! I used to love chicken fingers, and had deprived myself of them for far to long. It felt so great to have challenged that fear, and shut up that silly irrational voice in my head.

3 days later, I am still alive, and have since completed even more food risks, with nothing but a smile on my face to show for it.

I really love how this program is helping me to see ALL foods, as just FOOD. Not evil, not dangerous, not outlawed, just different combinations of ingredients.

My dad said something to me this week, which really struck a chord with me.

“Essentially, all foods are just different combinations of the same thing. A donut, versus an energy bar for example,  both these things are essentially made of the same things, just in different quantities.”

When we stop putting labels on food, and simply see it as food, existing, and eating in this world, seems a hella lot less complicated yes?

Once again, I cannot thank you all enough for your incredible support. I plan to e-mail many of you back this week, and can’t wait to get to know some of you better. Sorry how behind I have been on that

I am off to my University tomorrow for the weekend to finish setting up my room in the house, and enjoy the last bit of frosh week with my friends (you heard me right, my school isn’t starting classes this year till the 14th, CRAZINESS? Yes. Not that I’m complaining )

Lots and lots of love, 
xx

A day in the life…

Hello!

Hope you all are had a lovely week, and have an even better weekend ahead of you

Thank you all for the lovely comments. Its awesome to know I have anonymous readers out there, and even better to know that my last post helped you in some way. So thank you, and please if any of you out thee have yet to reveal yourselves, or have a question, feel free to ask

I have gotten some questions about the program via comment and email, so I will give ya’ll a little rundown of a day in the life of a day hospital program

I have breakfast at home every morning, usually a chobani yogurt mess, or a banana and peanut butter bagel

however this morning I got a little adventurous…

3/4 cup apple cinnamon cheerios, 3/4 cup leapin lemurs peanut butter chocolate puffs, topped with vanilla soy milk and a sliced naner.

I hadn’t had a regular bowl of cereal for breakfast in fffoooorrrevvvaaa. And I missed it! Why oh why did I ever stop doing that? Now I won’t lie, I do prefer my yogurt messes, or waffles (yum)….

2 Eggo Fibre Plus Blueberry Waffles with peach cottage cheese, and topped off with a sliced peach, it was peachy keen.

but cereal will be a nice way to change it up every once in a while

Then I laze around at home until program starts that day. Most days it starts around 11 am, which is pretty good. It gives me most of the morning to myself, so I can get some blog creeping done

Every morning starts with a check-in, to see how the night went for everyone, whether they had any urges, symptoms etc.

Then 12 is lunch. Which is compromised of a sandwich, drink (juice for me ) and a high energy serving (chocolate bar, peice of cake, a cookie and pudding etc.)

Lunch made me really  nervous my first few days in the program. Not having control over how the sandwiches were made, not knowing how much butter there was etc. really freaked me out. However, quickly after the first day I was able to let that go, and have just been enjoying the new varieties of sandwiches. In the past week I have had a roast beef on multigrain, hummus wrap, egg salad pita, turkey and swiss on kaiser…the list goes on.  Don’t get me wrong, I do miss my turkey wraps, my laughing cow cheese etc, but its been nice to change things up, and a bit of a releif to not be able to control what I eat so much. It was scary at first, but I already feel so much less under pressure of that voice, just by challenging it with my lunchtime sandwiches.

The high energy serving is something I have been having daily for months, but since going into the program I have tried some new high energies, that were a little scary to me. Lemon square, strawberry cheesecake etc. And I gotta say girls, why was I not eating these things for months? Its funny how much fear we can build up around something as harmless as a peice of cake. And after I finished it, I realized how silly it was to fear something as lovely as a piece of cake.

I think the idea of the high energy serving is great. To have something just because it tastes good once a day. Its also a great way to stop fearing those foods. And contrary to what we may beleive, they dont make you gain crazy weight! There are many girls ending the program, who are eating the same foods as me, at their maintenance calories, they each eat a peice of cake, or chocolate bar everyday, and some of them loose weight at their weekly weigh ins!

After lunch we usually either go on a walk, or have  a group.

The groups vary in topic, from body image, nutrition, relationships, to art therapy. All of which I have found helpful in some way or another. And because its such an open supportive group of girls, it was easy to fall into the habit of sharing my thoughts openly, much like we do in the blog world

Then at 3pm its snack time. What people have for snack varies according to their individual meal plan, but a typical snack for me is 6 crackers, a pack of PB (not PB and CO but I can deal..) 250 ml of 2% milk and a boost

Snack is followed by another group

Dinner is then at 5. This is the one part of the program I dislike, as I prefer to have dinnr a bit later. The staff kind of agrees that dinner is too early, however, they have to have dinner this early because the hospital kitchen staff leaves before then. Hence its a nightly early bird special for us.

I have been pleasantly surprised by the hospital dinners. They are not amazing, but they are not terrible either, and I have quite enjoyed a few of the meals. Honey garlic chicken, rice pilaf and mixed veggies is an example from thursday night Every dinner is also followed by either a fruit or pudding cup. I usually choose the puddings, cause well, ya’ll know how much I love my pudding.

Then by 6:15 we are out and on our way home. We get sent home with a snack “in a bag” Mine is usually 175g yogurt and a fruit, or crackers, cream cheese and milk etc.

However, if we decide we don’t want the snack in the bag, we do have the option to switch out those items for things that are similarly calorie dense

Most evenings I usually just chill with my family, go on walks, go to movies etc. Have my snack, go to bed, and do it all over again.

The program is not easy, its a little bit like have a very emotional job, but I have already seen such a positive difference in myself, its crazy!! Because I have less control over the foods I eat, I have less of an urge to control every single morsel. When I was able to eat alone on the weekend, I was so much more relaxed with my lunch preparation, and choosing my snacks, because that need to have perfection around meals was much less potent.

Another great thing about the program is that they encourage you to challenge food fears. I was often too scared to challenge my food fears on my own, so I am going to try and do as many food fears as I can in the program. Last week I did medium vanilla bean latte, yesterday I had a sweet onion chicken teriyaki sub (it was delicious by the way), and next week I am going out for chicken fingers and fries! I am nervous for these things, but at the same time sooo happy I will be able to challenge these irrational food fears with the support of program staff and my fellow group members and slowly rid myself of my “unsafe” food list.

Cause really what fun is it having a list of food to restrict ourselves of? It seems so silly to me, we live in a free country, where we can choose what we please, yet we give ourselves these restrictions, and limitations. Convince ourselves that we can under no circumstances have these enjoyable foods, just because some health guru, or diet magazine says we should “BEWARE!” I’m not saying we should eat these foods all the time, but I also don’t think we should avoid them all together. All foods can be eaten in moderation

I hope that gives you girls a bit of an insight into what a day in the program is like. If you girls have anymore questions feel free to leave a comment, or send me an email at bananasun22@gmail.com
I hope this post was helpful

Hope everyone is settling into their fall routines nicely!!

Lots of love,
xx

Sometimes the right choice, is the hardest choice

Happy September!!

I hope you all had a lovely last August weekend. How the hell is it September already!? I feel like yesterday it was April and this whole summer thing was just beginning.

I have loved reading everyones posts about going off to school, and moving into their new digs. And it seems everyone is settling in and preparing themselves pretty nicely. I’m not sure when I will be moving in, but I will certainly post pictures and let chya’ll know when it goes down

But now, it’s time for some honesty.

I thought I should let all of you know what exactlly has been going on with me, seeing as I have been super M.I.A this week.

I wish I could say it was because I have been out and about enjoying summer and my friends to the fullest, but the truth is a little less fun than that…

Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while, or have seen my “Who Am I?” page know that I have been working on gaining back my healthy weight this summer, and rebuilding my healthy relationship with food.

 I have come a long way from where I was in April.  I have overcome many irrational food fears and odd eating rituals, and my obsessive thoughts around food have steadily been decreasing. I also just feel so much healthier. I am nourished, thinking more clearly, sleeping through the night, and with every pound I look better and better.  I have shared much of this journey with all of you on this blog, and have loved every minute of it. The blogging community has played such a positive, supportive role in my recovery, and I will forever be greatful for that.

While I am always honest on my blog, I have been keeping one thing from you all. This whole summer, I have been on a waiting list for a Day Hospital Recovery Program. And a few weeks ago they let me know that a spot was available for me.  

I felt a whole mess of emotions, I was scared for the unknown, excited to see what the program was like, angry that I had to go there, yet also releived that I wouldn’t have to be solely responsible for my recovery anymore. But most of all, I was ashamed, and felt I couldn’t share this part of my journey with all of you. I felt like I couldn’t possibly be a blogger anymore if I was in this program, that in some way, I was letting all of you down by going in there, and not doing this on my own.

But I got to thinking about it this weekend, and realized how flawed that thinking was. I have worked really hard this summer, but my painfully slow weight gain makes it clear I need more help and support to make sure I fully recover, and leave this eating disorder behind me for good. And while that voice in my head may tell me that getting that help makes me “weak” it is actually quite the contrary. Admitting we need more help is often the strongest, and bravest thing we can do!

 I remember looking to blogs for inspiration and hope in the midst of the weight gain process, and seeing other girls go through what I was going through made me feel so much less alone. Which is why I feel so compelled to share this with all of you, in case there is someone out there reading this who has been in a hospital program, or is waiting to go into one. If that applies to you, you are not alone! I know where you have been, or where you are going, and I know its tough, but you are SO brave, and you will only benefit from it!

My first day was August 24th.

The first week in the program was hard, and very emotionally draining. I came home most nights crying and declaring I was never going back there. But somehow, every morning, I ended up back on the wing, and back in those therapy sessions. I have met such amazing girls in the program, who are similar in their support to the blogging community, and they are the main thing bringing me back there everyday.

Right now I am just doing this one day at a time, and its tough, but each day is a little bit easier, and I already feel a little more seperated from my pesky ED.

The goal is to get my weight up to a healthy weight, and learn to maintain that in a healthy way this term. And once I get a grasp on that, I can hopefully return to school full time in January. Until then, its correspondence courses babaaaayy.

So what does this mean for my blog?

Im gonna keep on keepin on. I will let you all know how the program goes, and blog about my thoughts and feelings around recovery as I always have. I love this blogging community too much to let it go. 

As far as food blogging goes, I still have breakfast and evening snacks at home during the week, and spend weekends at home, so I will share with all of you what I can. Especially once I get more settled into the program, and find the time to get back to my food photography

As my title suggests, this is not the easiest thing for me to do, but I know, in the deepest part of me, its the right thing to do.

So we’ll just see where this takes me…

Lots and lots of love,
xx

What A Week…

Hello All!

Sorry for my absence. I have had quite a week, and have a lot to say about it, but don’t exactlly have the time now.

Just wanted to say I’M ALIVE!! And I will be catching up on all your blogs and updating mine over the weekend.

I honestly have barely touched the computer this week, and it feels soooo weeiirdd.

I do have two things to share though:

Amazing Somewhat Bloggie Breakfast…has been eaten most days of the week.

Strawberry Chobani Yogurt with Banana Slices, and a crumbled deep chocolate vitamuffin.

It may not look so incredible, due to my lacking photography skills (aka mac photobooth ) but…

Its SO delicious, and keeps me amazingly full well until lunch time rolls around. And there ain’t nothing wrong with some dessert in the morning

Also two fantastic songs you should all check out, and have been stuck in my head all week.

Love you all, xx

Sexy Bitch by David Guetta ft. Akon (for the dancing times)

Gimme Sympathy by Metric (for the chilling times)

Marvelous night for a (Luna) Moon Dance

Well I did it.

I tried all 6 of the Luna bars my brother brought me. And now, its review time lovelies.

I am sorry for my lack of blogging these past few days. I know it seems like all bloggers are kind of bringing their blogging to a halt. But I promise, once I get back into the swing of things with summer coming to an end and all, I will be blogging away. All day

I thought since I am taking time time to tell you what I thought of the Luna’s available only in the states, why not Canada’s as well.

Alright, so hows about alphabetical order yes?

Chai Tea Luna (U.S.A)

5/5…but then 3/5

Honestly, it was one of my favourites, and I really wasn’t expecting that!
I really love Chai Tea, and this tasted EXACTLLY like it. I honestly felt like I was eating a Chai Tea Latte. The spices in there were just right, and with the chai tea creamy coating on the bottom served as the foam on top of the latte. I enjoyed every last bite. Given, when I ate it, it had been sitting in my backpack for hours heating up, which may have made it better cause…

A few days later I had another, and I did not enjoy it that much at all. It was kinda chalky, and tasteless. I guess something about the way they make these bars sometimes the combination works, and sometimes it doesn’t. I kind of wanted it to be all melty and gooey again the way it was when I first tried it, so maybe heating it up is the trick? So its hot, like a latte? Although the quality was way different, it was still somewhat enjoyable, so the second time round it was a 3/5.

I had my first Chai Tea Luna alongside a Starbucks Strawberry Banana Vivanno.
I was super nervous to try it. Letting go of that amount of control was a little nerve racking. Having someone make a smoothie for me!? Was I crazy!? In the ten minutes before, I was sweating bullets. Then I took one sip, and well…I highly recommend it! It was light, refreshing, but also super filling cause of the fibre and protein powder. If you are in a rush, and in need of a healthy snack, or light breakfast, the Vivanno is a great choice! I loved the strawberry banana flavour. My brother got the chocolate banana vivanno, that one was a bit of a dooozy. Sometimes when people try to make healthy fruity things a dessert, it fails, and the Vivanno…kinda did.

I have had 3 Vivannos now in the last week, and has anything terrible happened? Nope Nothing to fear there!

Chocolate Peppermint Stick (U.S.A)
This was yummmmyyy! 4/5
I’m a big fan of peppermint so I had a feeling I would love this bar. And I did! It tasted like christmas Candy cane like, yet also reminded me of a Girl Guide Cookie, so you can imagine how good that tasted.

Cookies n Cream (U.S.A)

No, no, no. 1/5
I was soooo excited for the flavour. I had such high hopes! I love me some Oreos, so that in Luna Bar form? Sounded fantastic.
But ladies, it let me down. This was not a delight. This was the worst of all the flavours I have tried. Instead of tasting like cookies n cream, it was like proteiny chocolate and…thats about it. I wasn’t sure if it was just me, so I let my friend have a taste and her response? after seeing my excitement over the Luna bar loot was “why do you like those bars so much?”

I have heard people love this flavour, so maybe the one I ate was just a doozy, kind of like the chai tea latte bar, maybe this was just the bad one in the batch, but I seriously could barely finish it. Not so hot. But hey, one bad bar out of 8? Clif don’t gotta be worried.

Dulce de Leche (U.S.A)
Very good 4/5
I was not expecting much for this bar. I had heard this was one of the least popular ones, and that it tasted the most like cardboard. WRONG!! I don’t know if it is cause of the new recipe, but this one was really good! Very caramelly, and like most Luna’s I felt like I was eating a decadent desert. Loved it!

Lemon Zest

Meh. 3/5

It was good, but I’m not a huge fan of lemon flavour. It has the typical rice puff texture of luna bars with a lemon cream coating on the bottom. If you like lemon, than you would love this bar, because lemony it certainly is. I’m just more of a chocolate, caramel kind-a girl.

Nutz Over Chocolate

4/5
This is one of the flavours usually available in Canada, and of that selection, its my favourite. It literally tatses like nuts over some yummy chocolate. If you like peanut butter and chocolate, you will like this bar. Something I love doing to it, is microwaving it with the chocolate coating facing up. It gets all melty and messy and amazing.

Peanut Butter Cookie (U.S.A)
4.5/5
Yep pretty hard for me to  give low ratings to Lunas. This one was also great. It really did taste like a peanut butter cookie. I paired it with a chocolate milk and was in peanut, chocolate heaven.

Toasted Nuts and Cranberry
3/5

These taste great, and are the perfect blend of nuts and cranberry. But when there are such other delicious flavours available, this one always leaves me wishing I had gone for a yummy flavoured Luna. This bar is great in times when I am really not in the mood for a chocolate fix, and is great for people who don’t like chocolate too much. Otherwise, dessert flavoured bars all the way

Smores

4/5
My second favourite of the Canadian ones. Doesn’t taste like Smores at all, so don’t expect that. But it does taste like a chocolate coated granola bar, and thats cool with me

White Chocolate Macadamia (U.S.A)

5/5 Ah-freaking-mazing
I love white chocolate. And this bar certainly stands up to its reputation. It tasted exactlly like a white chocolate macadamia cookie. I broke into this bar the first night back when my brother revealed the loot to me, and it was a fantastic way to start off my week of Luna Bar testing. My brother tried it, and loved it too. So it gets 4 thumbs up! Super delicious, soo happy I have 5 more of these

More exiciting news! My local grovery strore just started carrying Stonyfield Oikos Greek Yogurt and Chobani Greek Yogurt. When I saw them in the store I had a mini heart attack, and was so overcome with joy, but totally unsure of which ones to buy.

So now I need reviews from you girls, what flavours of Oikos and Chobani do you reccomend I try? Any favourites? And how do you girls eat them? What pairs well?

I am so excited to try these out, and am so happy to have a Skyr-like fix here in Canada! Weee!!

I also wanted to thank all of you for your lovely comments on my last post. You guys are all so supportive, and I love hearing from all of you

I’ll do a more regular post tomorrow but I hope you all are well, and I have missed you, as I always do when I leave the blogging world now and again.

lots of love, xx