Who Am I?

I’m a 19 year old, currently in my second year of University in Canada, majoring in Psychology. What I love most in the world are my friends, family, facebook, fitness and of course food 🙂

I originally started this blog in June of 2009, while I was in recovery from a recently developed eating disorder.

Food had never really been an issue for me, all through high school I pretty much ate what I wanted  (and I wasn’t making quite the healthiest choices) – without thought, and stayed at around the same weight. I distinctly remember asking someone in grade eleven what a calorie was, not understanding how numbers could be applied to food. Oh how things would change..

It all began when I decided to become healthier in June of 2008. After a stressful senior year of high school and a slight depression, I was a bit heavier, and felt that I could stand to loose a few pounds.

By August 2008, I had lost about 10 pounds and was finally at a weight where I felt and looked good. I had traded in my unhealthy eating habits for a balanced diet of whole grains, lean proteins, fruits and vegetables, and worked out about 4 times a week. But what was also so great, was that if I wanted Ice Cream or chocolate or whatever, I would have it! At this point I was truly living healthy, and listening to my body.

Enter September, moving away to school.
Everyone was so surprised with the weight I lost and told me how proud they were and how great I looked. Everyone except for my best friend, who I guess saw the storm coming. She told me I looked great, but that I should stop, I should not loose anymore weight. And I agreed. I felt I looked great, and definetley did not want to weigh any less. I was at a BMI of 20, and did not want to fall below that.

But worse, I was DETERMINED not to gain the freshman 15, I did not want all my hard work to go to waste! So I vowed to eat healthy, and continue to workout regularly, and this went on in a healthy fashion until about mid october.

I began to become homesick, anxious, lonely maybe even?

Instead of facing the negative feelings growing inside me, I turned to obsessing over food and fitness.

All of a sudden I was eating far less than I had before, and working out much harder and longer than before, about 5 or 6 times a week. I also slowly started to withdraw myself from the people around me. I stopped trying to get to know the people on my floor, or spend time with my friends, because it was easier to be alone with my misery, than be with others and have to explain why I didn’t want an Ice Cream after dinner, or why I was going to the gym at midnight.

I allowed myself to beleive that I was just being healthy, that this was the way healthy people ate, and that I was just maintaining my weight. However, by early december, it was clear I was not maintaining my weight at all, I was loosing weight, too much weight. My friends confronted me about what was going on, and begged me to make a change.

Their confrontation was a wake up call for me, and I realized what I was doing to myself. While it was hard for me to start at first, by the time I went home for Christmas Break 2 weeks later, I felt ready to make a change.

In January of 2009, I finally started on my journey to recovery. I got a dietician and started going to a weekly eating disorder recovery support group. However, from January to April my weight pretty much stayed the same, and actually dropped quite a bit more after me and my family went on a ski trip together in February (bad idea when you are trying to add pounds)

Around this time professionals started telling me I should be admitted to inpatient treatment, but I absolutely refused. I didn’t want to be in hospital,  truly beleived I could turn it around for myself. My father, ever the optimist, agreed, and I continued to try and gain the weight independently, with the help of a dietician.

I did stick to my designated meal plan from May-August of 2009, and actually added a few pounds on my own. But even then, I was still far from a healthy weight, and so me and my parents finally made the decision that I did need more help.

I began an outpatient day program at the end of August, and it was my absolute saviour.
Yes it was hard, incredibly hard. In fact, after the first day I was SURE I would never go back. But a little voice in the back of my head was telling me it was the right thing to do, and my parents were desperate to see a change. I stayed the course, and 13 weeks later I reached my goal weight, at a BMI of 20.

The program saved my life. It scares me to think where I would be right now, had I not stayed. The staff helped me to rebuild my relationship with ALL foods, and the girls who I met in program were so strong, so kind and motivated to get better – and their unwavering support kept me strong, when I felt like giving up. I have no doubt I made friendships in treatment that I will have for life.

Blogs also played a HUGE role in my recovery. I first discovered blogs back in March, I was starting to loose my determination, and felt more alone than ever. I felt like I was the only one in the world eating the way I was, and trying to do what I was doing. So when I found the blogs of girls who not only were trying to get better the same as me, but had developed similar eating issues around the freshman 15, I was relieved to see that I really was not alone, I wasn’t crazy, and most importantly that recovery was POSSIBLE!! So thank you to all of you who have blogged, you really don’t know how much you help and motivate your readers.

So now I blog about maintaing recovery, returning back to my life, and my old carefree self.

Thank you for reading, and if any of you have any questions, please feel free to contact me!

Much love

(Side Note – I am keeping my blog anonymous. Allows me to fully express myself, kind of more freeing that way – hope u all understand 🙂 )