Hittin’ the Books..

So with one full day of studying under my belt, I am feeling a little bit better for my exam on Tuesday.

Doesn’t mean I wont be right back there tomorrow to do it all over again. I need to get as much cognitive knowledge as I can get!!

When I was able to get my head out of the books for air I realised it was lunch time and quickly fueled:

I forgot to photograph (as is my new styles lately) so enjoy improv photos:


6″ whole wheat sub with turkey, mozzarella, lettuce, tomato, mayo, and sweet onion sauce, I combo’d it up with some harvest cheddar sun ships and a small chocolate milk 🙂

I studied and studied until about 5. I actually realy enjoy cognitive psych. It has a lot to do with attention, perception and memory. Now if only I could somehow use all that to keep my attention on the books, perceive it correctly and somehow memorize all those terms…hmmm…

I kept at it until about 5, when I decided to call it a day. My dad was kind enough to pick me up from the library cause we had plans to go to a christmas tree store/farm/outlet (?) and pick up the tree!! However, once we got there it had JUST closed.

We were sad yes, but we will try again tomorrow. We will have some christmas cheer yet!

On the drive back, we stopped for gas and I decided to peer into the health store next to the gas stop. SOOO happy I did that cause I came out with this jem!!

delicious and nutritious

Peanut butter and Jelly LaraBar!!!

I have seen this bar all over the blogs and have been wanting to try it!! But seeing as I am up here in Canada, I assumed I would have to wait another year for it to show up in the great north. Happily I was wrong. 🙂

I picked it up, along with a tetley tea drink, and excitedly rushed back to the car to enjoy on the way home.

Review: Ahh-freaking-mazing. My favourite LaraBar yet. It literally tasted like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. The texture was just like any other larabar, soft, chewy and dense. Loves it. I am defs gonna go back tomorrow and stock up!!

oh and the tea drink was legit too 😉

Once we finally got home I was sooooooo drained. Its crazy the energy that studying can take out of you, and your brain. So I retreated to my room to watch some TV and read some blogs. Perfect remedy for a tired mind.

My mom was kind enough to whip up a favourite of mine for dinner. The good eats just kept a comin’

Broiled Teriyaki Glazed Salmon, with sweet potato slices, steamed veggies, and a brewski for all my hard work 😉

oo..and you see that dollop of ketchup. Yeah, more like x3.

I enjoyed my dinner over an episode of “Criminal Minds”. Such an aamaazing show, but also kinda messed up. My brother thinks there is something wrong with me for loving crime shows, and I was beginning to think so to. But after getting lots of reassurance from all my friends that they watch and love Criminal Minds as well, I felt a little less crazy.

What is it about crime shows though that is sooo good? Anyone else here a Criminal Minds, Law and Order (SVU is my fav 😉 ) or Without a Trace fan?

After some TV surfing, I hit the hay, but had sooo much trouble falling asleep. I was tossing and turning until like 4am this morning!! Craziness. I think I may need to look into some sleep medication, cause this has been happening like every night, and its making me super drowsy/wonky all dayy long – which is not so hot when you are studying for exams.

Somehow I woke up at 9am with virtually no sleep – and my stomach was grrooowwwlin’ So I fixed the perfect breakfast to hit the spot.

1 pack instant maple brown sugar quaker oatmeal, 1/2 cup vanilla almond milk in the oats, 1/2 on the side. 1 sliced naner, a bit of vanilla extract, salt, cinnamon and some WCW.

Sooooo satisfying. Gotta love them oats. I have however never made my own stove top oats. I kinda wanna try soooon.

Is it hard to do? Any reccomendations before I take the leap?

Alright girls, I gotta go for round 2 of mission christmas tree.

Hope you all have a lovely sunday! xx

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Love me, love me

TGI Friday

I am in need of some serious weekend relaxation, unfortunatley that will have to wait till next weekend

I have my winter exam in Cognitive Psychology next Tuesday, hence this weekend will be spent studying my ass off relaxing at the library. 🙂

Thank goodness for this beauty that adds some joy to my life daily

A picture of my advent calender, as promised. Loves it.

Another thing which has been bringing me joy lately is Yoga. Now that I have reached a healthy weight, I am slowly reintroducing exercise. And I mean slowly. So for now I am taking a yoga class at my neighbourhood gym twice a week, and am LOVING IT! And its actually with the same woman who did my private lessons before 🙂

SO before heading off to my yoga sesh yesterday,I fueled properly

Just a quick note, that I am not going to be posting all my eats everyday. I may do it now and again, but I seriosly am still so out of the habit of food photographing, that I just always forget!! And I also dont want to photograph everything cause I think that may be a bit of a trigger to food obsess. So yes, here we go 🙂

3/4 cup of corn bran squares cereal with vanilla soy milk, 1 pc whole wheat toast spread with 1 tbsp WCW, and a banana, 1/2 on the toast, 1/2 in the cereal.

ooo and obvi some Javaaaa.

This is such a great breakfast…I had to stop myself from devouring to take the pictures (hence bite out of toast)

This kept me satisfied and strong all throughout my wonderful yoga class.

I left the class feeling so stretched out, and really empowered. It really is amazing what the body can do, when you treat it right.

I know that I must however proceed with caution when it comes to exercise. I already feel myself wanting to do yoga every single day, which is a little excessive. So I will continue with this yoga twice a week thing, and once my meal plan and weight have been stable for a while, and my exericse urges are less intense, I will start to look at also introducing running, which I really do miss!!

This snack was enjoyed at some point later in the day

6 premium plus crackers with 2 laughing cow cheese wedges (regular!! No light products here thanks!!) and a green apple sliced and sprinkled with some cinnamon lovin’

This was followed by a ridiculously long Greys Anatomy marathon – self inflicted. I started with season one about a months ago, and have watched almost all of season 2 in the past week. I think I may have a problem.

Though I do need something to fill the void seeing as Glee wont be returning until APRIL as a concerned fellow “Gleek” told me on my last post. Gah. Tear. I am having serious seperation anxiety.

Well I am running late for a study sesh with my friend at her house, so I will just quickly share todays lunch with you ladies, and be off:

Veggie Burger Swich: 2 slices whole wheat bread, buttered, then lovingly spread with 2 laughing cow cheese wedges -herb and garlic flavaaa, 1 sol veggie burger and lots of ketchup and mustard both inside and on da sidee. Also a nice refreshing mug of chocolate almond milk 🙂

And you ladies know by now, I love my desserts. I had an old favourite today, honestly have not had this in AAGGEESS: Deep chocolate vita muffin and butterscotch pudding. 🙂

aannndd, last but certainly not least…

the name of my post is actually from a song (although, I do want you all to love me 🙂 )

and I CANNOT get it out of my mind…even though it is being sung by a 14 year old boy.

Ignorance is bliss..enjoy!

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Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

Ahh!! We had our first snow yesterday!!

And I love love loved it.

I am all about the christmas spirit.

(especially since I just watched Love Actually tonight with the moms.)

I am sooo stoked for christmas to come my waaaayy. In fact I am so excited, I got myself an advent calender, and I am enjoying that extra little bit of chocolate everyday.

Unfortunately, mine isnt as snazzy (fairtrade, dark chocolate) as this one...picture to follow someday..

…can we have advent calendars every month…pretty please?

Anywhoooo, I really do want to get back into blogging, but am feeling a little confused around how to do it..

I am so very out of the habit of food photographing, so I keep forgetting to do it. I am not planning on photographing at every intake, but if something is fun or interesting, I will and wanna share it with you all 🙂

we will see what I do…time will tell…I’m still experimenting with how to blog now. hmm.

However, onto the Day

I began today with going to the hospital and checking in with the maintenance program. I am finding it really helpful to be in the partial day program. It is making the transition back into daily life a lot easier to deal with. Its comforting to know that if something is triggering, or I struggle one day, I have supports who can help me talk it through the next day. (Which the blog community also helps with 😉 )

The program also really helps me to keep my meal plan in check. It can be really tempting when leaving intensive treatment to just revert back to old habits, and stop following the requirements. And it did cross my mind, but would that really be in my best interest? To bite the hand that fed me? (literally..bahaha) and forget all the hard work I put in to get to this healthy/happy place?

Hence, I have stayed completley on the meal plan (high energies and all) since leaving treatment and it has been fine! Nothing drastic has happened to my weight. In fact it has stayed pretty much exactlly the same. Proving ED wrong all over again. I can eat at a healthy weight, and STAY at the same weight with of course the normal healthy fluctuations. 🙂

So on Mondays-Wednesdays in the program we have lunch after our check-ins. It is encouraged on these days to take food risks, and challenge any food fears that may be lingering. Which I think is SO important.

I had this silly notion in my head while I was on weight gain, that it was ok to eat certain foods for weight gain, but once I was at a healthy weight, I would have to go back to healthy and safe foods only, always. This is incorrect girls.

All foods fit, and should be eaten in moderation.

And yes this includes things such as chocolate bars, baked goods, and chips.

No food should ever be feared, no matter what weight a person is at.

So I had a homemade ham, lettuce, tomato, mozzarella sandwich with mayo as my added fat on whole wheat bread 🙂 with some orange juice. Then for my high energy serving and my risk I had a 3 reese’s peanut butter cups. (ahh-mazing, love em always. peanut butter and chocolate? does it get any better?)


I never ever ever could have imagined months ago that I could eat a lunch like that, and not only feel ok, but also eat normally the rest of the day. But I do. Most every single day. And yes, someday it can be hard. But for the most part, it feels wonderful to not dwell on everything that passes my lips anymore. FOOD IS JUST FOOD. Fuel to do all the things I enjoy 🙂

After quite a satisfying lunch, the program girls hung out and talked for a bit which was nice. We were able to catch up on all each others gossip, and make some plans for the week (such as watching Glee together, which we did tonight..more on that later..)

I was only able to chat for about 45 minutes before I had to rush away to meet some of my best friends for coffee, where we decided that..

WE ARE GOING ON A EUROTRIP


Hopefully it will be a little less crazy than this one…
….actually it may be crazier. Im stoked. Just a little.

Me and my 3 best girlies (who have been friends since grade one) have not seen enough of each other this year, what with me being in treatment, and some of us going to different schools. So we decided we should all take a trip together somewhere, just to reconnect while doing some much needed eurotripping.

No exact details yet, but we are thinking a little backpacking in London, Paris, Berlin. 🙂

Should be quite fantastic. Now if only I could get a job…

After coffee, I went straight to meet the momma for some retail therapy.

By this time, I was running a little low on fuel, so I picked up a new favourite.

A double tall soy caramel brule latte sans le whip (and a banana…obvi.)

Well…it wasn’t as pretty as that. But it tasted quite fantastic. And really boosted my christmas cheer. If you ladies havent given this a whirl yet, do it. You won’t be dissappointed.

Although this snack on-the-go hit the spot, we still left shopping with little success, determined however that we would try again the next day.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try again.

But onto more important matters…

Um. Amazing.

I fucking love this show. It brightens up my hump day each and every week.

But what about you guys??

Anyone else watch the finale? Thoughts?

I lovvvvvveeeddd it. The ending? Perfect. Can’t wait for Januray. Nuff Said.

Favourite songs?

Mine have got to be “Taking Chances”, “Don’t Stop Beleivin'”, “Keep Holding On” and “It’s My Life/Confessions”

Also, anything in particular you guys wanna see on here? Eats? Food Reviews? Life and Times? Maintaining recovery?….Glee?

Hope everyones weeks are going well!!

xx

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Long time no see

Helllo All!

Gahh. Too Cute!

Gosh the last time I posted it was September!! And what a different place I am in now.

Back in September, I began an outpatient treatment program, after many months of trying to gain weight – with little success.

It was a really scary/tough time for me. To let go of all the control, and to fully give myself, and my eating disorder over to the program. After my first week, I was quite sure I was never going back. However, after really thinking about it, I realized how good the program really was for me, and I am so happy I stayed. .

After 13 weeks in the program, I made it to my low end weight, which settles out at a healthy BMI of 20. I am now in the maintenance part time day program, which is only 2-3 hours a day, 5 days a week, and I have maintained my weight for about 3 weeks or so now.

Just this week I dropped my last Boost off my meal plan (I went all the way up to 4!!! Crazy what the body needs to recover eh?)

So I just wanted to let you all know, I am alive, and feeling great.

Back in September, I never could have imagined that I would feel this good at this weight.

But I really do. I HAVE AN ASS AGAIN (which is kinda fun 🙂 ) Clothes fit the way I want them to, I dont get concerned looks from people on the street, I look healthy, I feel healthy, and while these past few months have been super hard, it has been soooo worth it.

I have been thinking about returning to blogging, but more from the perspective of maintaining recovery, and the adventures I will take with all foods in moderation 🙂

Regardless, I have missed you all, and I hope everyone is well!!

xx

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Absenteee, that is meee

Gosh, I hate how M.I.A I have been.

I really miss blogging, commenting, and being an active part of this communtiy. 

I truly do plan to get back on the horse, but I am still settling into this program, and my new correspondance courses etc.

I especially want to thank you all for such wonderful comments and e-mails.

You are all so supportive, and have really helped me to feel good about my decision to stay in the program. It was also so wonderful to hear that some of you could relate to the situation of being in a day hospital program, or waiting to go into one. Its funny how we can convince ourselves we are so alone in this pursuit, when really there are so many of us on this difficult, yet worthwhile, journey to recovery.

The program is going really well right now. I am ending my third week in the program, even though it feels like it has been much less than that. It has actually gone by much faster than I expected. And while the food challenges I have done have been hard, I am so happy I have done them.

On Tuesday for example I had chicken fingers and sweet potato fries, alongside a tall glass of fresh squeezed orange juice from a diner downtown. I won’t lie, my heart was pounding out of my chest walking in there. I had this completely irrational feeling like my whole world was going to come crashing down around me. But I tried my best too ignore those thoughts and just made pleasant small talk with my fellow group members. What was also great was that me and 2 other girls in the program had decided to all order the same thing, and get each other through it. And it worked! We all finished our servings, and really enjoyed it! I used to love chicken fingers, and had deprived myself of them for far to long. It felt so great to have challenged that fear, and shut up that silly irrational voice in my head.

3 days later, I am still alive, and have since completed even more food risks, with nothing but a smile on my face to show for it.

I really love how this program is helping me to see ALL foods, as just FOOD. Not evil, not dangerous, not outlawed, just different combinations of ingredients.

My dad said something to me this week, which really struck a chord with me.

“Essentially, all foods are just different combinations of the same thing. A donut, versus an energy bar for example,  both these things are essentially made of the same things, just in different quantities.”

When we stop putting labels on food, and simply see it as food, existing, and eating in this world, seems a hella lot less complicated yes?

Once again, I cannot thank you all enough for your incredible support. I plan to e-mail many of you back this week, and can’t wait to get to know some of you better. Sorry how behind I have been on that 😉

I am off to my University tomorrow for the weekend to finish setting up my room in the house, and enjoy the last bit of frosh week with my friends (you heard me right, my school isn’t starting classes this year till the 14th, CRAZINESS? Yes. Not that I’m complaining 😉 )

Lots and lots of love, 
xx

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A day in the life…

Hello!

Hope you all are had a lovely week, and have an even better weekend ahead of you 😉

Thank you all for the lovely comments. Its awesome to know I have anonymous readers out there, and even better to know that my last post helped you in some way. So thank you, and please if any of you out thee have yet to reveal yourselves, or have a question, feel free to ask 🙂

I have gotten some questions about the program via comment and email, so I will give ya’ll a little rundown of a day in the life of a day hospital program

I have breakfast at home every morning, usually a chobani yogurt mess, or a banana and peanut butter bagel

however this morning I got a little adventurous…

3/4 cup apple cinnamon cheerios, 3/4 cup leapin lemurs peanut butter chocolate puffs, topped with vanilla soy milk and a sliced naner.

3/4 cup apple cinnamon cheerios, 3/4 cup leapin lemurs peanut butter chocolate puffs, topped with vanilla soy milk and a sliced naner.

I hadn’t had a regular bowl of cereal for breakfast in fffoooorrrevvvaaa. And I missed it! Why oh why did I ever stop doing that? Now I won’t lie, I do prefer my yogurt messes, or waffles (yum)….

2 Eggo Fibre Plus Blueberry Waffles with peach cottage cheese, and topped off with a sliced peach, it was peachy keen.

2 Eggo Fibre Plus Blueberry Waffles with peach cottage cheese, and topped off with a sliced peach, it was peachy keen.

but cereal will be a nice way to change it up every once in a while 🙂

Then I laze around at home until program starts that day. Most days it starts around 11 am, which is pretty good. It gives me most of the morning to myself, so I can get some blog creeping done 🙂

Every morning starts with a check-in, to see how the night went for everyone, whether they had any urges, symptoms etc.

Then 12 is lunch. Which is compromised of a sandwich, drink (juice for me 🙂 ) and a high energy serving (chocolate bar, peice of cake, a cookie and pudding etc.)

Lunch made me really  nervous my first few days in the program. Not having control over how the sandwiches were made, not knowing how much butter there was etc. really freaked me out. However, quickly after the first day I was able to let that go, and have just been enjoying the new varieties of sandwiches. In the past week I have had a roast beef on multigrain, hummus wrap, egg salad pita, turkey and swiss on kaiser…the list goes on.  Don’t get me wrong, I do miss my turkey wraps, my laughing cow cheese etc, but its been nice to change things up, and a bit of a releif to not be able to control what I eat so much. It was scary at first, but I already feel so much less under pressure of that voice, just by challenging it with my lunchtime sandwiches.

The high energy serving is something I have been having daily for months, but since going into the program I have tried some new high energies, that were a little scary to me. Lemon square, strawberry cheesecake etc. And I gotta say girls, why was I not eating these things for months? Its funny how much fear we can build up around something as harmless as a peice of cake. And after I finished it, I realized how silly it was to fear something as lovely as a piece of cake.

I think the idea of the high energy serving is great. To have something just because it tastes good once a day. Its also a great way to stop fearing those foods. And contrary to what we may beleive, they dont make you gain crazy weight! There are many girls ending the program, who are eating the same foods as me, at their maintenance calories, they each eat a peice of cake, or chocolate bar everyday, and some of them loose weight at their weekly weigh ins!

After lunch we usually either go on a walk, or have  a group.

The groups vary in topic, from body image, nutrition, relationships, to art therapy. All of which I have found helpful in some way or another. And because its such an open supportive group of girls, it was easy to fall into the habit of sharing my thoughts openly, much like we do in the blog world 🙂

Then at 3pm its snack time. What people have for snack varies according to their individual meal plan, but a typical snack for me is 6 crackers, a pack of PB (not PB and CO but I can deal..) 250 ml of 2% milk and a boost 🙂

Snack is followed by another group

Dinner is then at 5. This is the one part of the program I dislike, as I prefer to have dinnr a bit later. The staff kind of agrees that dinner is too early, however, they have to have dinner this early because the hospital kitchen staff leaves before then. Hence its a nightly early bird special for us. 😉

I have been pleasantly surprised by the hospital dinners. They are not amazing, but they are not terrible either, and I have quite enjoyed a few of the meals. Honey garlic chicken, rice pilaf and mixed veggies is an example from thursday night 🙂 Every dinner is also followed by either a fruit or pudding cup. I usually choose the puddings, cause well, ya’ll know how much I love my pudding.

Then by 6:15 we are out and on our way home. We get sent home with a snack “in a bag” Mine is usually 175g yogurt and a fruit, or crackers, cream cheese and milk etc.

However, if we decide we don’t want the snack in the bag, we do have the option to switch out those items for things that are similarly calorie dense 🙂

Most evenings I usually just chill with my family, go on walks, go to movies etc. Have my snack, go to bed, and do it all over again.

The program is not easy, its a little bit like have a very emotional job, but I have already seen such a positive difference in myself, its crazy!! Because I have less control over the foods I eat, I have less of an urge to control every single morsel. When I was able to eat alone on the weekend, I was so much more relaxed with my lunch preparation, and choosing my snacks, because that need to have perfection around meals was much less potent.

Another great thing about the program is that they encourage you to challenge food fears. I was often too scared to challenge my food fears on my own, so I am going to try and do as many food fears as I can in the program. Last week I did medium vanilla bean latte, yesterday I had a sweet onion chicken teriyaki sub (it was delicious by the way), and next week I am going out for chicken fingers and fries! I am nervous for these things, but at the same time sooo happy I will be able to challenge these irrational food fears with the support of program staff and my fellow group members and slowly rid myself of my “unsafe” food list.

Cause really what fun is it having a list of food to restrict ourselves of? It seems so silly to me, we live in a free country, where we can choose what we please, yet we give ourselves these restrictions, and limitations. Convince ourselves that we can under no circumstances have these enjoyable foods, just because some health guru, or diet magazine says we should “BEWARE!” I’m not saying we should eat these foods all the time, but I also don’t think we should avoid them all together. All foods can be eaten in moderation 🙂

I hope that gives you girls a bit of an insight into what a day in the program is like. If you girls have anymore questions feel free to leave a comment, or send me an email at bananasun22@gmail.com
I hope this post was helpful 🙂

Hope everyone is settling into their fall routines nicely!!

Lots of love,
xx

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Sometimes the right choice, is the hardest choice

Happy September!!

I hope you all had a lovely last August weekend. How the hell is it September already!? I feel like yesterday it was April and this whole summer thing was just beginning.

I have loved reading everyones posts about going off to school, and moving into their new digs. And it seems everyone is settling in and preparing themselves pretty nicely. I’m not sure when I will be moving in, but I will certainly post pictures and let chya’ll know when it goes down 🙂

But now, it’s time for some honesty.

I thought I should let all of you know what exactlly has been going on with me, seeing as I have been super M.I.A this week.

I wish I could say it was because I have been out and about enjoying summer and my friends to the fullest, but the truth is a little less fun than that…

Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while, or have seen my “Who Am I?” page know that I have been working on gaining back my healthy weight this summer, and rebuilding my healthy relationship with food.

 I have come a long way from where I was in April.  I have overcome many irrational food fears and odd eating rituals, and my obsessive thoughts around food have steadily been decreasing. I also just feel so much healthier. I am nourished, thinking more clearly, sleeping through the night, and with every pound I look better and better.  I have shared much of this journey with all of you on this blog, and have loved every minute of it. The blogging community has played such a positive, supportive role in my recovery, and I will forever be greatful for that.

While I am always honest on my blog, I have been keeping one thing from you all. This whole summer, I have been on a waiting list for a Day Hospital Recovery Program. And a few weeks ago they let me know that a spot was available for me.  

I felt a whole mess of emotions, I was scared for the unknown, excited to see what the program was like, angry that I had to go there, yet also releived that I wouldn’t have to be solely responsible for my recovery anymore. But most of all, I was ashamed, and felt I couldn’t share this part of my journey with all of you. I felt like I couldn’t possibly be a blogger anymore if I was in this program, that in some way, I was letting all of you down by going in there, and not doing this on my own.

But I got to thinking about it this weekend, and realized how flawed that thinking was. I have worked really hard this summer, but my painfully slow weight gain makes it clear I need more help and support to make sure I fully recover, and leave this eating disorder behind me for good. And while that voice in my head may tell me that getting that help makes me “weak” it is actually quite the contrary. Admitting we need more help is often the strongest, and bravest thing we can do!

 I remember looking to blogs for inspiration and hope in the midst of the weight gain process, and seeing other girls go through what I was going through made me feel so much less alone. Which is why I feel so compelled to share this with all of you, in case there is someone out there reading this who has been in a hospital program, or is waiting to go into one. If that applies to you, you are not alone! I know where you have been, or where you are going, and I know its tough, but you are SO brave, and you will only benefit from it!

My first day was August 24th.

The first week in the program was hard, and very emotionally draining. I came home most nights crying and declaring I was never going back there. But somehow, every morning, I ended up back on the wing, and back in those therapy sessions. I have met such amazing girls in the program, who are similar in their support to the blogging community, and they are the main thing bringing me back there everyday.

Right now I am just doing this one day at a time, and its tough, but each day is a little bit easier, and I already feel a little more seperated from my pesky ED.

The goal is to get my weight up to a healthy weight, and learn to maintain that in a healthy way this term. And once I get a grasp on that, I can hopefully return to school full time in January. Until then, its correspondence courses babaaaayy.

So what does this mean for my blog?

Im gonna keep on keepin on. 🙂 I will let you all know how the program goes, and blog about my thoughts and feelings around recovery as I always have. I love this blogging community too much to let it go. 

As far as food blogging goes, I still have breakfast and evening snacks at home during the week, and spend weekends at home, so I will share with all of you what I can. Especially once I get more settled into the program, and find the time to get back to my food photography 🙂

As my title suggests, this is not the easiest thing for me to do, but I know, in the deepest part of me, its the right thing to do.

So we’ll just see where this takes me… 😉

Lots and lots of love,
xx

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